Just Dying To Live.
My Christian name is Ian and I am 41 years connected to this body and so it is that Ian is 41 Years old.
Like any story we should begin at the beginning…
I was born upon the 5th August 1976 and this is a rather special day in regard to spiritual matters and the authenticity of The Shaman.
The star known as Sirius within the constellation of Canis Major is the brightest star in the sky. Within the ancient Egyptian culture it was attributed to the Goddess Isis, who is the archetypal mother Goddess.
Once every year the star Sirius disappears beneath the horizon for around 70 days, and the moment that it rises visibly, following its‘underworld’ descent, it is known as the heliacal rising of Sirius.
This day was on the 5th August 1976 in regard to Coventry, England where I was born.
Within ancient Egyptian culture they operated two calendars. There was the spiritual calendar and the practical calendar.
The spiritual calendar was not fixed to a specific date, but began every year on the very day that the Priests/Astrologers witnessed the heliacal rising of Sirius, and so began the religious and ritualistic year.
The ceremonial life of the Egyptian culture was based upon, and dictated by the heliacal rising of Sirius.
It is a very auspicious day to make ones appearance into the world of matter.
This is where my own story of course began and my connection to Isis and Sirius Star has a massive influence upon all I experience and actually do. It is why I am A Shaman for it was/is written in the stars… As they say?
In relation to Western astrology there are also some significant factors which assist my Shamanic practices, and are evidenced within my Natal (Birth date) chart.
Saturn conjunct the Sun in the 12th House = The ability to comprehend the hidden mysteries, yet also maintain ordered heart based consciousness within the ‘Darkness of Chaos’.
Mercury conjunct Venus = The ability to balance the masculine and feminine forces in order to transcend the polarised Earth systems.
Neptune Conjunct the Moon = The ability of utter empathy through the dissolving of boundaries, whilst maintaining ‘The Vision’. This is the most potent Psychic planetary combination possible.
Uranus opposite Chiron = The healer who learns through their own wounds and develops novel ways to heal others. I could go on and on of course but you are probably able to look yourself?
My ancestry may be revealed through the family names of my Grandparents.
Heslop is derived from the Nordic word ‘Hezli’ and ‘Lop’. Hezli means Hazel as in the tree, and Lop means low valley or land. So it is then that Heslop means one from the valley/Land of the hazel trees.
Interestingly the ancient Druid calendar was based upon cycles or Moonths relating to the trees, and the 5th of August is the first day of the Month of Hazel. What a coincidence?
The Romans named what is now Scotland, Caledonia and this name is derived from Cal-Dun = ‘Hill of Hazel’. Caledonia referred to a Pictish tribe who inhabited the land north of their empire some 2000 years ago, known as The Caledonii.
The Hazel tree has been steeped in mystery and mythology for Millennia.
My other Grandfathers Surname was Halford and he was born in Scotland also. Halford may be divided into ‘Hal’ and ‘Ford’ and ford is a place where one crosses the river. ‘Hal’ may of course refer to ‘Hel’ or a remote area of land. So it is that Halford may mean Hel’s crossing or remote river crossing.
My Grandma was also born in Scotland and her name is Templeton. Templeton is an interesting one of course, because ‘Ton/Tun’ is the Old English word for settlement from which is derived the current ‘Town’. So it is then that the name means Temple Town but alas so much more…
The Temple referred to is not a space but an ancient order of Christian oathsworn Knights known as The Templars. Templeton may refer to a settlement of the knights Templar as in Templar town, or a reference to a pre-Christian place of worship derived from ‘Templ’ and ‘Tun’.
My other Grandmother was born in Devon, as was my Father. Her family name was Endecott, which means one who resides within the end cottage. This location in ancient times would of course have certain responsibilities, such as warning the village, meeting traders and ultimately liaising with transient folk.
My grandparents were economic refugees and moved to Coventry, England for the work. Here my parents met and so it was that I was born in Coventree. Coven is relative to those witches’ broods but ultimately means ‘Meeting’ and ‘Tree’ speaks for itself.
So it was then that I took my first breath in the centre of England, the descendant of economic refugees and this very fact coloured my entire life.
My parents divorced when I was 5 years, old which created the necessary psychological schism required to break out of familial patterning. A person without reference for a physical father is destined to seek a Masculine influence within their psychology?
The wound which is left when a child’s family and security fall away must be healed, and so the child seeks some reference for orientation.
This is the trigger for my archetypal meanderings, for it is the archetypal father figure known as God, to which one may turn when the physical father is absent. This search for the healing balm of security, under the protection of a masculine father figure, drove my psychology in many directions but ultimately and finally toward the archetypal.
This is where my deep comprehension of archetypal interaction was birthed, and it is to this day a tool I utilize when an individuals are failed, by the mortal investments they make.
People let us down because we are each and all are inherently flawed, which is our divinity.
When people let us down we may then transcend the physical representation of archetypal forces (Father/Mother/Lover/Healer etc.), and through this process enter into a relationship with the perfection of these principles, which are to be found within the collective consciousness as archetypes.
Being let down by people is a blessing in disguise because it is the motivation to transcend, and ultimately evolve into self-responsibility.
As a character then within the experience of my life there are details…
I remember consciously being born.
I remember my thought processes from the point of birth as I remember my first step, as I recall all memories, which is because of the work I have undertaken to heal firstly myself.
I remember with more relevance to the topic of being The Shaman, the vortex which used to open above my bed as a young boy, and the ethereal faces which used to swirl above my bed at night. They used to float around as faces with tracer like bodies, whispering and singing to me as I drifted into my Astral body.
I never really slept but simply took flight, often returning to the park where I would fly around.
I also remember the Demon who used to visit me and the terror of the consistent encounter; for I knew from birth I was being hunted. It is of course the same thing that hunts us all, seeking to destroy the innocence of the child and close the heart.
Almost every night it would arrive as I was outside of my body and begin to terrify me, but some forty years later I realize it was/is my greatest asset.
This is because it now protects me as I have answered the call of The Shaman and every Shaman has a ‘Demon’ ally. Demon refers to ‘Daemon’ which is a guiding spirit or tutelary deity.
It took me 32 years of Shadow Boxing to figure that out!
I also remember the ‘imaginary’ friends who used to tell me what people would do next, and the strange world I inhabited whereby time and its space, were far removed from what other people were telling me.
I also remember the ‘spirits’ as they would whisper in the ears of the people around me and I could watch them do exactly as they were told, simply because they thought it was their ‘idea’.
Everybody was very pleasant to me until about the age of 7. This was my first direct experience of Death. It was the first time I crossed over and the Maya was broken.
I was playing with a bow and arrow one evening in the back garden at home. The arrow had a sucker on the end, so it could stick to windows. I had the sucker in my mouth as I walked the arrow into a fence.
The sucker was driven deep down my throat, and instinctively I reached and pulled on the arrow shaft… But the sucker remained, being a perfect shape to stick in a small child’s throat. Like a plug in a drain.
I couldn’t scream or breathe and so suffocated to death. I remember thinking “This is it then I’m dead now” and at the same moment leaving my body and floating upwards into the summer sky, into a swirling vortex which was previously hidden from me. There I was then on the other side of the veil.
The place where I went to was very different to my English Suburban reality. The First Death.
I was there for what in reality was seconds, but it felt like an eternity of bliss. I was Home. Safe. Loved.
It was my mother and Grandfather who had found me in the garden, collapsed and limp. Dead. They reached down my throat and removed the sucker, resuscitating me.
Here I was then, back on Earth in a body. I would like to say that gratitude was my first emotion, but not so.
I felt disappointment, anger and a deep sense of wanting to just go back Home.
Life went on but I could never be the same again. I refused to comply with the schools psychological programming, and nor could I be threatened, cajoled or manipulated into accepting their belief system.
The consequence of this was a lot of very tall people telling me that my very existence was offensive, in other words I was always in trouble and being shouted at by angry people who seemed to be confused a lot 😉
They of course were only passing on the programming they received but their anger was constantly palpable, as their ‘training’ failed them consistently.
I developed the habit of laughing uncontrollably when admonished. So they began to hit my body, attempting to energetically subjugate me, which forced me to become extremely sneaky.
Those adults which hit me were deemed to be those with whom I could ‘mess with’ and the games began.
I would push the buttons of these emotionally inept individuals, to the point of their psychological meltdown, which often meant frustration followed by angry explosions. Truly the adults around me became like toys that could be wound up and set to entertain mode.
I began to utilize that most effective weapon when confronted by the programmers and their confusion, for I began to ask ‘WHY?’. Of course they had no idea why they were behaving this way, so their anger grew to stratospheric proportions, but they could not hit me too hard as I was but an innocent little child…
My entire schooling began and ended within this theme, as I became the rebel within the system they proposed we should all adopt. I was rarely allowed within the classes with the other children, because I was deemed to be ‘disruptive’ and ‘distracting’.
I was affecting their capacity to install the programs and as such must be isolated!
Thankfully this was a few years before A.D.H.D and so I escaped the doping program, which is now in place to capture those who refuse to lose their hearts to the system. Sad but true.
Fortunately for me I was a very competent athlete and played very good rugby, so the sports teacher was always on my side constantly fighting my permanent exclusion from the system.
It was around the age of 14 whereby my Shamanic initiation began and my power increased dramatically.
We were studying the indigenous culture of Australia in a Humanities lesson, and it was accompanied by the current song ‘Beds are burning’ by Midnight Oil.
At the end of the class I fainted, and the sound of drums began to permeate my experience.
My recollection is of a long double line of black faces with white clay dried upon them.
I later discovered this is known as the ‘Ghost Face’, and is the mask of The Shaman worn before taking the life of another. I moved through the centre of the two lines toward the fire blazing there, and they each stared at me with wild eyes and powerful intention.
I moved through and reached the fire, where stood the dominant energy and he gave me something to mark my initiation.
I returned to the world we call reality absolutely terrified and with some very wet trousers.
I had pissed myself through the fear of the encounter. It was very embarrassing by the way!
From this point on everything changed. The Second Death.
In an alternative culture I would have immediately been taken to the local Shaman, and the process would have moved into my apprenticeship. Unfortunately this was not the case as I was surrounded by ordinary people without concept of what had occurred.
So it was then as my rebellious nature worsened and I became uncontrollable, I was sent to the hospital to be tested for drugs and then to the psychiatrist to be assessed… All clear Ψ
Things took a turn for the worse as my power became uncontrollable and my own frustration burst into violence. I began to fight in order to dominate my environment through fear, which was achieved rather quickly but with drastic consequences.
This untrained Warrior path led me ultimately to a prison cell later in life.
Due to my nature and the constant psychic input, accompanied with a polarity responsive psychology, I began to take drugs. At the time there was a Government campaign against drug use, and the message was ‘Just say No to drugs!’ and of course I understood it as ‘Take as many as possible!’.
And so began my own descent into the darkness, like any Shaman utilizing the substances to shift consciousness which were available. At that time in my school it was Cannabis, Alcohol and L.S.D and my body was not temple but nightclub.
My appetite for drugs knew no bounds and I used to take them on the way to school in order to stop the voices, and alleviate the boredom. I had fallen into the trap, for drugs have their uses in ceremonial context, but I was fully aligned with my ancestral patterning, which was addiction and self-destruction.
The next 18 years of my life became a cinematic experience fuelled by the power of Chaos.
I failed to manage my power and became a manipulator verging upon the sociopathic.
From the age of 14 I became a violent drug fuelled criminal, rebelling against the constraints of a conservative dogmatic environment, whilst trying to avoid my inherent sensitive and Shamanic nature.
I took a ‘Legal’ career in sales and began to feed upon the weak willed indecisive collective, amassing huge financial rewards. This money was utilized to fund a dark and destructive lifestyle, which was inhabited by drug dealers, con artists, thieves and professional fighters.
Where the money would not stretch I would deal in illicit goods and trade misery for money. I was lost and considered myself utterly unstoppable.
Then at the age of 21 I was convicted of my 10th offence and this was Manslaughter.
Finally reality and society had caught up with me and I was sent to a Victorian prison to consider my behaviour. For once prison worked, and upon my release I was drug-free and altogether more respectful of others. Death has a way of assisting maturity.
I then entered a phase of compliance and built businesses, became married and bought a house. I had fallen into the programming I had been fighting for many years, and followed the ‘prescribed’ route to happiness.
I had the wife, the cars, the house, the money and the outward conformity. I was doing exactly what I was told, which was to be a productive citizen, embrace my greed and externalize my consciousness.
I acquired all I was told would make me happy and then realized it was a total lie.
It was a hollow victory and I experienced yet another identity collapse, with the subsequent depression, anxiety and confusion. I got divorced and moved to Thailand where I met the culture of Buddhism.
Back on the path of self-destruction and drug abuse, but this time with the backdrop of ‘The land of smiles’ and the Buddha on my heart and mind. I experienced the culture I wish to have been born into.
The years rolled on and my desire for ever harder drugs led to becoming a crack cocaine and Heroin addict.
Once again I occupied the shadowy underworld where misery is saturated into the ordinary experiences of the ‘masses’. It is a world full of those who refuse to comply with the rules, and respect nothing but the domination of others. Hell on Earth?
The life of the Heroin and Cocaine addict is one of immediacy and the experience of ‘Now’ at all costs. Consequences are ignored and reason abandoned, as the drives of ones physiology become the master.
The consciousness becomes the slave of the sensory experience, and can do almost anything to satisfy the obsessive and compulsive desire, to once again become high. This is because they are low. The lower self takes full command and the person becomes the Jungian shadow as appose to relating to it.
It was only through the strongest will that I began to fight that which was destroying me…Myself!
I refused to become the addict I already was and so the internal war between light and dark commenced within me, and without me. I was 32 years old and crippled by addiction and ultimately insanity.
Then it happened. It is the single and most dramatically life changing event that any Human can experience.
My immortal Soul descended into my reality to enact a rescue before it was too late.
It began with the book Astral Projection – Amazing Journeys outside Your Body – Abhishek Agarwal. On the cover was a picture of superman, and so I remembered my out of body flights as a child.
I read the book over two days and decided to give it a go, as in leaving my physical body whilst it was asleep.
On my first attempt I lay there staying awake whilst falling asleep, and the most brilliant white light became apparent, in the corner of the bedroom. It grew larger and larger filling the room with light. It was of course my immortal Soul and it was time for me to step into my power.
There was an internal dialogue which went like this…
‘I am Ian’
‘NO! I am Ian’
‘Ah! We are both Ian’
One of the Ian’s then said ‘You better thank God for this’ and so it was I died the death.
My body gave up the ghost and I entered the experience of being a spirit. The Third Death.
It is the world beyond physical death and it is the realm of The Shaman. It is to experience death directly, which is the immediate realization that you are more than the body and the consciousness within it.
To die and remain alive is the paradoxical truth of the true Shaman.
Dying to Live.
The Demon, quickly realized I was attempting to circumnavigate its control.
The War for my spirit was on! There followed some rather interesting out of body experiences but nothing prepared me for what was to come. In February I went on holiday to see the Northern Lights.
It was the most life affirming spectacle ever witnessed, as the Earth and the Sun dance openly in the Love of their union. It had the most profound effect upon me and I returned to England. I knew I was now the living dead and my entire perception had shifted, as I knew I was about fall out of my body once more.
This time however I had a direct confrontation with my shadow, and all of its resources. This of course is akin to the Jungian individuation process.
There is a reason people are scared of the dark, because within it rests the death most fear.
Once one has already died however one becomes far less fearful of the darkness, and begins to push back. Within this shadow resided all the power I had forsaken and it was time to claim it back.
It is the story of Gandalf the Grey and the Balrog, mixed with the red pill of Neo. It is the age old story of Osiris and Set, Christ and the Devil, God and Satan and so on and so forth… It is the Shamanic calling.
It is the story of the polarized Earth and the game some of us play here.
So began the war between the opposites both internally and externally, as the resting place of my spirit body was decided upon. Shall I reside in perpetual darkness (ignorance) or experience grace (knowledge of the divine within). The game was on and I was 20 years in the loss. So it was then we began to tussle my shadow and I. We both had our resources which were relevant to our opposition.
I had truth and love as ‘He/She’ had fear and deception.
My allegiances rested in the realm of light and began to educate me as to my circumstances. I began to meditate up to 6 hours a day and astral travel every night. When I was not meditating I was researching.
I had entered the school of the Shaman, and thus had enlisted at the universe-ity. My enemy was of course internal yet had manifestations everywhere within the shared reality.
My enemy was the Devil/Satan/Sutah or whatever word those who have gone before me have utilized, and he was evil to the core, simply desiring not to destroy me but to subjugate me. Everything you have ever read about the tactics of ‘Evil’ are true, for they are exposed by those who have been victimized by these forces.
The war raged on for years and years as every battle educated me further, and made me stronger.
My allies arrived thick and fast and I was educated 24 hours a day by many deceased Shamanic Spirits. For every positive influence from the light there was an equal and opposing reaction from the shadows.
I began to help people and teach through workshops, showing them the way out of the maze. As I learnt I taught. This incited ever more dramatic reactions from the shadows, for education is their enemy.
Before long the war spilled out into my ancestry, breaking out of this time-space.
I had overcome my shadow through loving integration and so it was that my attention was directed toward my ancestry. I had healed myself and now it was time to heal every incarnation of my immortal Soul.
This was my work and my payment was freedom.
Off I went into 1000’s of hours of past-life regression, rescuing those spirits trapped with the darkness (ostracized from their own divine connection/Grace), and escorting them to the sphere of our shared immortal Soul.
As my work became more challenging so my guides became more powerful.
I had a guide across every dimension (72) and an enemy there also. The fight had become complex and I began to experience up to 15 concurrent realities simultaneously. Madness?
The next step in my education was to systemize these realities and understand how each affects the other.
This could only be achieved as I wrestled with the opposite of what I had become, across multiple levels of reality outside of time and space. It was our conflict which drove us both into ever more distant realities.
I healed my entire ancestral lineage after about 4 years and managed to map around 70% of the Human experiential multi-verse. Yes actual maps and directions.
Then it got really serious…
I began to experience direct confrontations with malevolent archetypal forces, which overwhelm the Human consciousness fully. The issue is of course that ‘Archetype’ is both an externalized experience and a mirrored internal aspect, as the world is turned inside out and upside down, the mind also is.
The ONLY activity which ensured my sanity (orientation) was the practice I developed.
I would leave this reality and experience what I have mentioned and so much more, then upon my return write down the entire alternative experience, thus educating the rest of myself as to what was taking place and anchoring my education into this reality.
I have in excess of 1,000,000 words in this regard along with around 300 visual representations (maps) as to the nature of the multi-dimensional workings. An example used during shamanic training:
Alongside this I researched, and still do perpetually and fervently. I studied Psychology, Etymology, Theology, Philosophy, History, Shamanism, Sociology, Spirituality, Biology, Astronomy, Astrology, Magic, Mythology, Metaphysics, Occultism, Writing, Hypnosis, and Medicine and so on and so forth…
The balance between experience, orientation and study was my sanity and also my Shamanic education.
During the whole process I began to acknowledge the patterns In the process of my experience and the cycles of the Planets, whereby my archetypal education concluded.
I would connect to the positive frequency of a planet/Archetype/God and my opposite would connect to the negative, until we ran out of space again. So it was that our battle expanded, my Merkabah was activated.
This is the Kabbalistic vehicle of light which facilitates astral travel across the multiverse.
The process continued for many years and I assisted many who were bought to me physically, for in healing them I passed the class, and thus evolved through my education. This is the way of The Shaman for it is not possible to heal wounds that one does not comprehend.
Once one passes through the universal archetypes and understands each separately, one must integrate them all and so understand that which they are when unified. This is that which was before them and so it is that one understands, and experiences the nature of creation encompassed.
That which is above the archetypes is the architect, and that which is beyond the architect is not to be revealed here. As I am tired of dying already. 😉
Like all ethereal educations there must come a time whereby one returns to this reality, in order to practice that which was learnt. As a doctor leaves medical school they begin to practice medicine, as an apprentice eventually takes over the responsibility of the profession.
There’s only one way for the dead to return into the land of the living, and that is to find a reason to live.
My war ended in 2012 whereby the two opposing forces within me became one. This was the purpose of my entire education. To know that within a reality of opposites and contrast (Earth) there is peace to be found within the conflict, whether internal or external.
The Shaman has found the eye of the storm and The Shaman who is I must now show others the way. This is my service offered to you. By you. Through you. With you. As you.
So it is that my education is over and now is the time to practice what I have been taught. This is why this web site exists and this why I offer to serve you.
Hopefully you have some small insight into who The Shaman is and why I operate at all. I have balanced the opposites and transcended, yet I made the conscious choice to remain incarnate, in order to facilitate the growth of others.
In the space between these opposites I exist as the Shamanic paradox.
The Shaman is therefore literally the space between the opposites, and as such cares not to judge yet only to guide. If you are pinned down by the darkness then I shall offer relief.
If you are lost in your own light then I offer the darkness. All that I offer is designed to assist you in your movement toward wholeness, whereby you respect the evil within you and cherish the love also.
I work for money because I must live now and because I have a family.
It is not the motivation behind the mask however, for those that escape the maze always have a choice. They either help others within the maze through guidance and support, or they prey upon their ignorance…
I have made my choice and it was not an easy one to make.
I am both alive and dead so exist within and without this reality, and so it is that I can assist you from inside and outside of it. Around it and through it.
Because of my education I am able to plot the position of another person, in regard to their spiritual evolution, thus identifying the next step with exacting precision.
The Shaman is but the context whereby we may meet in this world, yet now you may understand that The Shaman is a space, like the true Shaman of old I am the keeper of the keys to the gates of reality.
I am a child of Sirius and as such have chosen to be here in order to complete my task and live out my story, which may have something to do with you?
Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light…..X